In-Law Relationshinps: The Why and How of Having a Relationship with Your In-laws

The saying goes "You marry the family."  Experts agree, Dr. Phil lists in-law problems as one of the top three stresses marriages face. Sometimes these problems are created by expectation, sometimes by proximity, sometimes by a difference in personality or preference.  Sometimes they aren't created so much as the relationship simply isn't tended to.  In any case positive, peaceful in-law relationships do require effort.  So why even bother?  If in-laws create such difficulty in a marriage why even let them in your family's life?  Here are two great reasons (keep in mind these are based everyday problems, things that are causing physical or emotional damage are in a whole different category!).

Reasons to Create a Peaceful Relationship With Your In-laws:

1.  It speaks love to your spouse.  No matter how difficult a situation with in-laws may be, it reaffirms your love for and commitment to you spouse when you are willing to put some effort in to the relationship.  This site is full of practical ways to improve your relationship no matter it's current state.  The ideas are easy and many can be done on your own terms (things like writing a letter saying 'thank you' for a trait your spouse possess that they helped develop or an experience they gave him).

2.  It matters to your kids.  The stronger family relationships are, the more secure kids will be and secure kids will flourish.  (I'm not saying if you don't have strong family relationships your kids will fail.  I know sometimes it isn't possible, I'm just saying if you can work it out, it will benefit your kids.) This is an excellent article that details the reasons why this is true as well as ideas for how to make it happen.

The above reasons establish that a peaceful in-law relationship really is ideal, even if it takes some effort.  Here are some ways to use your senses to make it happen!

See:  Choose to see your in-laws as valuable people with something to contribute to your family.  Choose to look for the positives in them (it's ok if your list is short or stretching a bit, it's a start!)  Here are some thoughts about choosing to see the positive that may help you get started.

Listen: Choose to stop and listen first and then respond.  Basically, you are choosing to check your emotions, understand and then respond.  You'll be amazed at how this will help your relationship.  A hard habit to cultivate, but totally worth it!  These ideas are from a professional point of view, but they make a lot of sense in family relationships too.

Speak:  Choose to be in charge of what comes out of your mouth, no matter the situation.  Again, this requires stopping and thinking before you respond.  

Smell:  Make sure you don't smell in their presence!  Simply stop and think about how your words, attitudes and non-verbals are effecting the environment and make the necessary changes so that you aren't stinking up the place.

Touch:  Handmade things go a long way.  A hand written note to say hello, or check in.  A gift you help a child make and hand deliver (or mail). An outing or activity handpicked to suit your in-laws taste or temperament all go a long way toward showing you want them to be a part of your life.

Maybe you notice that all these things require CHOICE and action by YOU.  While that might feel unfair or burdensome, the fact is someone has to be purposeful about creating a peaceful relationship.  Hopefully, others like your spouse and in-laws will follow your examples and take on some of the responsibility for the relationship, but if not, remember why it's worth it and press on!